The Things Not Said

So I was sitting in the car with my mom on the way to run some errands. My mom's not the type of person that likes to do things alone, if she has the choice. She always enjoys the presence of another person when she does certain things, so she never fails to drag me out of the house with her when it's time to run errands. This is typical of many Indian parents.

While we were sitting in the car, she asked me a random question about grammar. She said, "is it right to say 'I love you too much' or 'I love you very much'?" I responded saying that both phrases were correct, but it wouldn't make sense if you just told someone that you love them "too" much, you would have to explain what you were talking about. You could say something like, "I love you too much to do something like this." But then you would have to explain what 'this' exactly is, so it's not very applicable in most scenarios. Then, I jokingly asked her why she would ever need something like that, because she never says 'I love you' to her own husband, let alone to anyone else. Yes I know it's a cruel question to ask, but you have to consider that my parents didn't exactly fall in love with each other, they had a semi-arranged marriage. The only sheer contrast between a semi-arranged and an arranged marriage is that you get the opportunity to talk or briefly meet your spouse before you get married. In the days back then, most people only had a few minutes to talk to their soon-to-be spouses before the wedding was planned. The rest of a semi-arranged marriage is almost, if not exactly ,the same as a regular wedding. The family gets to plan most aspects of the wedding and it's not rare to find your parents play a big role in choosing your future spouse. Today, however, the rules are a little bent for a semi-arranged marriage, in which it's becoming more acceptable for two people to get to know each other for a longer period of time. It is becoming acceptable for them to go on a few dates, as parents are slowly adjusting to Western culture and the 21st century. In some cases, the final decision to marry can actually go to the couple instead of the parents.  My cousin recently found her match through a semi-arranged marriage. Although the parents were the ones who chose the man for her, it was permissible for them to talk and get to know each other. As a matter of fact, they did get to talk and get to know each other through Skype, phone calls, and what not. In the end, it worked out for both the parents and the kids; they both married and are living happily with each other, so far.

Going back to the matter at hand, so after I said this to my mom she laughs it off. Then, she looks at me and says, "Well, why would I do that? He already knows."  Following that, the car got silent, not in a bad way, we just didn't have anything to talk about. In that silence, I thought about how different the relationship between my parents are compared to how relationships are expected to be today. In today's relationships, it's almost a decree that both partners must frequently notify each other of how wonderful they are, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Telling her that you loved her and how much she means to you is necessary in order for a relationship to work. It's not rare to see many couples who show affection to each other, some more public than others, in order to express their love. On the other hand, the ancient semi-arranged and arranged marriages were different. I've never seen my parents tell each other how much they love each other, nor show much affection as well. I've actually seen them joke more about calling each other names like 'honey', 'sweetie', than ever doing so. I realize now it's not that they don't ever care about each other, as I have seen my mom cry when my dad went to India or when he was about to have an operation for his heart. For the older generation, it's the things that are seldom said that define love. While I don't think that we should all go back to that system, there's definitely something there that we all could learn.

It seems ironic that the generation that has more freedoms to express their love for each other is leading to not just a lower marriage rate, but a higher divorce rate. I understand that not all things work out perfectly, but it seems that people these days aren't willing to work hard for it. Instead, why not take the easy route and just have a divorce? 

I don't use the Bible as a frequent source for things, but I think this excerpt may help:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV):

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

In some cases, yes, divorce and break-ups are inevitable. After all, we all are human. But when this becomes more common in everyday life, it's quite obvious that something is going wrong here. Perhaps it's because more and more people don't care about religion as much as they used to, therefore they don't follow tradition or have the same morals. Or it's because there is more pressure to have a great career and success in life than there is to get married, now more on women instead of men. Either way, a lesson from tradition and those who came before us may help us have better relationships with other people and to live long and prosperous. 

Thanks for reading,